On April 26, 2018, Donald Trump gave a rambling, bat-shit crazy, 30-minute long telephone interview to Fox & Friends. Here are the highlights (which include multiple awkward glances between the hosts and one mysterious background producer whispering “Jesus Christ”):
0:23 – Donald Trump pats himself on the back for picking the most special day to participate in a meaningless interview with Fox & Friends: Melania’s birthday
Editor’s Note: Good job, Donald! You took someone else’s birthday and somehow actually made it about you!
0:34 – After being presented with the obvious softball follow-up, Donald Trump, the “billionaire,” pauses in stunned silence before admitting to either of two gift possibilities for his wife and mother of his child: nothing, or a card.
Editor’s Note: Thanks, you fucking cheapskate!
0:45 – Donald Trump states that he’s too busy to be running around looking for presents, okay?
Editor’s Note: Bearing in mind that you’re the President of the United States and there are probably people whose entire jobs involve doing your personal errands, and also bearing in mind that you’re going to spend the next 30 minutes on a meaningless Fox & Friends interview screaming and ranting about absolutely nothing and everything.
0:52 – Donald Trump states that Melania’s done a fantastic job with… France?
Editor’s Note: We can’t be too sure, because he doesn’t seem too sure either.
0:55 – Donald Trump reverts to bragging about how spellbound the people of France are over what just happened with the President who just left, Ee-man-NOOELLE, who is also a wonderful guy with a wonderful wife. They got along great, and they are both terrific people. The wife’s name is BREE-GEETE and they had a fantastic time. And also, they accomplished a lot. More than anybody knows, so much so that we will all be seeing what they accomplished.
Editor’s Note: Fucking groundbreaking.
1:25 – Fox & Friends host on the left begs for a hint as to what they accomplished. Donald Trump believes that Ee-man-NOOELLE views Iran a whole lot more differently than when he walked into the Oval Office, and he thinks that’s important, because Iran is a problem for our country and the previous governments made such bad deals and gave money to Iran from boxes and barrels from a plane, and all they do is scream “Death to America,” and, by the way, they’re not screaming it so much anymore. And something about little ships not circling anymore.
Editor’s Note: We here are the Bloated Orange truly fear those little circling ships. And judging by the stunned faces of the Fox & Friends hosts, they do, too.
2:35 – Fox & Friends host on the right completely changes the topic to blatantly defend disgraced White House physician, Ronny Jackson, without ever so much as mentioning the allegations which include over-prescribing medications, drinking on the job, and driving drunk which resulted in crashing a government vehicle. The host reads the physician’s statement and asks the hard-hitting question, “So did you all get together and decide that together?”
Editor’s Note: YEE-HAW, motherfucker! That’s the kind of doctor I want! /s
3:10 – Donald Trump states that he told him a day or two ago that he saw this coming and that “they” are very upset because Mike Pompeo got through and “they” thought they had him stopped, and that Democrats are obstructionists and it’s horrible what they’re doing; not approving people, interviewing people for 30 hours, and how at this rate it will take “them” 9 years to get everyone through, how “top-line” people have to wait, and how Chuck Schumer “and group” are directly responsible for making people wait.
Editor’s Note: Who is they, why are you mad that they are stopping a doctor from drugging congressmen to death, and how do you still not realize your Republican party is the majority and you don’t need any Democratic votes to “get people through”?
3:55 – We here at the Bloated Orange didn’t know it was possible to suck the life out of a Fox & Friends host, let alone all of them.
4:20 – Flabbergasted Fox & Friends host on the right somehow finds his balls and sheepishly asks, “But can’t your Republican party leader dude-guy, Mitch McConnell, get everybody together and spend a week on this to get everyone through?”
4:29 – Donald Trump thinks that Mitch McConnell should be doing that, and he thinks he will be doing that, and he thinks he should be doing that. And also how Republicans have a lot of warriors, and also that he can name some.
4:44 – Fox & Friends host and/or background producer huffs and sighs into the mic. Pure gold.
4:46 – And also Corey Lewandowski. And Diamond and Silk, they’re warriors, and somebody was talking about them on the internet, and also they’re very beautiful, and it took him about two seconds to look it up. And so there are many great people in the Republican party. And this shows how bad the Democrats are, how obstructionist they are.
5:19 – Fox & Friends host in the middle (SHE SPEAKS!) hooks her bait and asks the totally unbiased and totally neutral question, “Doesn’t this just let the obstructionists win?”
5:38 – Donald Trump says he could say yes, and he could also say no, because some guy from Montana said something, but he won Montana by so much, and Montana loves him so much.
6:35 – Donald Trump says we can talk about experience and we can talk about the VA, so let’s think about the 13 million people at the VA and how you could take the head of the biggest hospital corporation of the world and how it’s peanuts compared to the VA, and so therefore nobody has experience.
7:09 – Donald Trump personally and publicly vouches for Ronny Jackson, saying he would have done a great job, he’s a terrific guy, and that these are all false accusations.
Editor’s Note: We have literally never heard Donald Trump’s voice become so high-pitched when telling a lie. Almost humanizing.
9:44 – After changing the subject to James Comey and presenting some vast conspiracy theory, Donald Trump abuses the power and prestige of the Presidency to slander a now-private citizen and accuse him of leaking classified, all classified, totally classified information.
Editor’s Note: James Comey leaked his own memos, and he made sure to release only the ones with unclassified information. Donald Trump is essentially mad that James Comey told the world about a conversation he had as FBI Director with the President of the United States, which involved the President of the United States making repeated personal appeals to the FBI Director in private, behind closed doors, to drop an investigation into someone we now know to be an unregistered foreign agent and who lied to the FBI. (This person is Michael Flynn, by the way.)
10:00 – Donald Trump states that “intelligence committee and everybody else has found no collusion.” He says there’s been no collusion, and that nobody’s been tougher on Russia. Donald Trump then says you can ask President Putin about that. Therefore, there’s been no collusion and what James Comey did was terrible.
10:40 – Fox & Friends host on the left interjects to say, “But he says it wasn’t classified, Mr. President. He says it wasn’t classified.”
Editor’s Note: Hell hath frozen over. Holy shit.
11:10 – Donald Trump pivots from classified memos to phony memos. As evidence of said phoniness, he says that Comey lied in his memos about not staying overnight in Russia. Donald Trump says “of course I stayed there, it was only for a short time, but of course I stayed there.” Donald Trump is mad over the fact that the memos said he left immediately, and lets us know that “he never left immediately!”
Editor’s Note: Comey’s memos also mention how Donald Trump went on and on and on about “that Russher thing” without even being prompted, so we find it slightly more believable that Donald Trump just said whatever the fuck he thought at the time would get people off his back. Just because somebody remembers what you said, doesn’t make them a liar.
11:28 – Can’t forget about Fake News CNN! Or Hillary!
11:52 – Fox & Friends host on the right interjects, “Yeah, but don’t worry about them.”
Editor’s Note: We here at the Bloated Orange have died and can report that hell is still frozen.
12:08 – After continuing to worry about Fake News CNN, Donald Trump goes back to James Comey, who is “guilty of crimes” and if we had a Justice Department that would just do their jobs…
12:13 – Fox & Friends host on the left interjects, “But it’s your Justice Department, Mr. President! Mr. President, you’re the Republican in charge. You’ve got a Republican running it!”
Editor’s Note: Honestly, at this point, we’re just gonna say it… Dude on the left, you’re starting to look real sexy over there. Damn.
12:30 – Witch hunt.
12:38 – Donald Trump says he’s taken this position, and he doesn’t have to take this position, but he’s going to stay out of the Justice Department, and he will wait until this is over.
Editor’s Note: We here at the Bloated Orange are LOL’ing at Donald Trump implicitly threatening the jobs of people working at the Justice Department on live TV while he’s currently under investigation for obstruction of justice. Because he’s, like, a really smart person.
12:50 – It’s a horrible thing what’s going on, yet, despite all this, Donald Trump has accomplished more than any President in the first year in our history.
12:58 – Fox & Friends host on the left is rendered practically speechless, manages to utter, “Okay.”
12:59 – Fox & Friends host on the right violently glances over to his co-host and gives the stank-eye for a solid 3 seconds.
13:07 – Attempting to list his accomplishments in office, Donald Trump almost forgets and stutters over Judge Gorsuch’s name.
13:40 – Donald Trump isn’t colluding with the Russians, the Democrats are!
Editor’s Note: This is the man-child equivalent of saying, “I know what you are, but what am I?” Not a good look, guy.
13:50 – Totally unprompted, Donald Trump becomes fully unhinged and just starts screaming.
Editor’s Note: Don’t ask us.
13:55 – Fox & Friends background producer whispers, “Jesus Christ.”
15:17 – Donald Trump discloses that the percentage of legal work done for him by Michael Cohen is a “tiny, little fraction.”
Editor’s Note: Donald Trump and Michael Cohen are attempting to obfuscate and derail the investigations into his alleged bank fraud, wire fraud, and illegal campaign contributions by stating that the evidence collected in an FBI raid into Michael Cohen’s offices should be dismissed/protected by attorney-client privilege. Stating that your lawyer does very little lawyering for you and that he is primarily a businessman nullifies any claim you had over attorney-client privilege. Because he’s, like, a really smart person.
15:28 – Donald Trump admits that Michael Cohen does, in fact, represent him in this “crazy Stormy Daniels deal.”
Editor’s Note: Donald Trump has previously denied all knowledge and involvement in the Stormy Daniels affair, even though it’s impossible (see: illegal) for a lawyer to represent a client without their knowledge, consent, or approval. Donald Trump even abused the power and prestige of Air Force One to publicly deny that he knew about his lawyer paying $130,000 to a pornstar on his behalf for her silence 11 days before the election. In one fell swoop, Donald Trump proves himself to be a liar while proving the affair true. How do you buy somebody’s silence for something that didn’t happen? It never made any sense. So thank you for finally word-vomitting the truth out. We know it must’ve been super hard.
16:00 – We’re legit gonna talk about Kanye West for a full minute.
17:00 – Hillary!
17:55 – Donald Trump reminds us all how we would remind black people during the election, “WHAT do you have to lose?”
18:18 – “They” (black people) voted for Donald Trump, and now crime is way down.
18:40 – Shania Twain is apparently still trying to be relevant.
19:00 – People who hate different points of view are wondering what happened to different points of view.
19:20 – Donald Trump says, “If I ever called for a rally in Washington, D.C., we’d have millions of people coming into Washington because they love what’s happening.”
A letter from the editor:
You did have a rally in Washington, D.C. It was called Inauguration Day. And even then, on your best, most beautiful day in office, you still did not have millions of people coming out. You didn’t even have a million. The only time you will ever have millions of people coming out for you is when you are impeached. Because then, and only then, the people will rejoice.
We here at the Bloated Orange can only hope your narcissism is so severe that you would rather be booed by millions than cheered by none.
19:50 – Donald Trump reminds us he won the election.
20:15 – Guy who lost the popular vote says he would rather have the popular vote.
20:27 – There was no way to break 270 electoral college votes. Also, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, they’re all fake news.
21:12 – Donald Trump says nobody is talking about the election they won yesterday in Arizona.
Editor’s Note: For good reason. Donald Trump’s Republican Party is freaking out because a Democrat only lost by 5 percentage points in a district Trump won by 21. This is arguably the worst special congressional election result yet for the GOP because there just aren’t any excuses for the race being so close (as there were in, say, the Roy Moore race).
23:40 – More screaming.
24:10 – Trump says, “In all fairness to Fox, you guys don’t always treat me great. But you treat me fairly. It’s not like Fox is perfect for me. They’re not. They’re tough. But at least it’s fair.”
24:15 – Fox & Friends host on left picks his fingernails.
24:30 – Fox & Friends host on right recommends to the President of the United States to perhaps watch less of them [CNN, etc.]
24:35 – Trump rambles about how he doesn’t watch TV, attempts to describe what he watched on TV last night, compliments his own physical appearance and attributes it to watching, or not watching, and how one of those things contributes to keeping you sane.
Editor’s Note: We’ve had better conversations with babies.
26:42 – Asked to grade himself a year into his Presidency, Donald Trump replies, “Look, I’m fighting a battle against a horrible group of deep-seeded people, drain the swamp, that are coming up with all sorts of phony charges against me and they’re not bring up real charges against the other side. So we have a phony deal going on, and it’s a cloud over my head, and I’ve been able to do — to really escape that cloud because the message now, everyone knows, it’s a fix, okay? It’s a witch hunt. And they know that. And I’ve been able to message it. I would give myself an A+. Nobody has done what I’ve been able to do, and I did it despite the fact that I have a phony cloud over my head that doesn’t exist. [more screaming] It was what the Democrats used to try and make an excuse for their loss of an election, for their loss of the electoral college that they should never lose because the electoral college is set up perfectly for the Democrats and this was an absolute, total beating in the electoral college. They should never lose the electoral college, and they did. And they got swamped.”
28:05 – Hillary Clinton again. Seriously.
28:34 – More Hillary Clinton.
28:50 – More screaming.
29:08 – Donald Trump makes another veiled threat against the people at the Justice Department by declaring that, at some point, he’s going to step in.
29:13 – Back to no collusion with Russia, totally unprompted.